Through Forever
by AlwaysMoreFun
Summary: Sequel to my reincarnation fic Through Time. This is the continuation of Allen and Kanda's relationship now that they've finally found eachother in their current lives as new people.


**So this started off as me wanting to write a short snap of Allen and Kanda's relationship follwing my other Yullen fic "Through Time" and turned into a full on sequel with a plot and all so I apologise if it's heavier or more serious than you'd hoped! It may also be a little OCC especially on Kanda's behalf (I tried as hard as I could to keep them in character but the modern plot and different childhoods from the original characters sometimes make them take on a life of their own). However these two are my favourite DGM characters and I think I did a pretty good job keeping them in character considering the context :)**

 **Anyway, enjoy and hit me up with reviews please :)**

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own nor the beauty that is Kanda Yuu

* * *

"No way Lenalee, I'm already on my way," Allen said exasperatedly into his phone, "plus if I sprung this on him now Bakanda would kill me, it was hard enough to get him to come in the first place."

"Oh yeah I forgot you don't actually want to piss him off anymore." Came her reply, dripping with sarcasm, "Lavi won't change his mind on this though, you know how he is."

Allen sighed, resting his hand on his forehead in frustration, "and you know how Kanda is." Allen rounded the corner that led to Kanda's apartment building and sighed again, "look Lena, I'll ask him but I doubt he'll be ok with it."

He heard the smile in her voice, "okay, okay, I'll try to tell Lavi that he can't keep changing his plans at the last minute. I'll see you at Lavi's in an hour."

"Alright, bye Lena."

As he was about to hang up Lenalee said quickly, "be nice okay? We're both really happy the two of you… overcame your issues."

Allen snorted, "alright, bye."

"Bye Allen!" She said chirpily.

To say Lenalee and Lavi had been happy that Allen and Kanda had 'overcome' their issues was an understatement. When Lavi and Lenalee had returned that night to the spot they'd left Allen and Kanda they just about squealed to find the two kissing. Lavi had thrown his hands in the air and yelled very loudly, "I called it!" which had resulted in Kanda decking him to the dance floor very harshly.

Allen couldn't help but feel embarrassed when he thought about that night almost a month ago. That night where he still didn't know how much Kanda meant to him and how good it felt to have the taller man's hands on his smaller body. Allen wasn't generally one to go around passionately kissing people in public but if you hadn't seen someone for literally a lifetime and the last time you saw them was when they were covered in blood you tended to let loose a little.

While Allen had accepted their past lives and past relationships very easily, Kanda hadn't been quite so accepting. At first he'd refused to return Allen's calls and texts for over two weeks. This only ended after Lenalee had found Allen refusing to eat and put two and two together, resulting in her storming over to a very confused Kanda Yuu's house and screaming at him to go and see her best friend. It was safe to say Kanda was more frightened of Lenalee's anger in this lifetime than he had been in their first even. Once Kanda had finally faced Allen again he all but admitted he was terrified of the younger man and his own emotions with the amount of insults he'd thrown in response to Allen's angry was fine with this, though, if Kanda had come around and suddenly said he loved Allen and wanted to be with him, in all honestly, Allen thought he would vomit. That wasn't what they did; they didn't communicate their feelings through nice words and sweet nothings. No, they did it through violent confessions, clashing weapons and passionate physical contact.

Lavi and Lenalee didn't know any of this, of course, of their past lives and of their memories together and Allen wanted it to stay that way. They'd suffered enough and if Allen could take on the burden of remembering for them he would do just that. He hadn't said as much but Allen knew Kanda felt the same; a lifetime where he hadn't grown up in constant danger and pain had left changes upon the man. He was kinder, more open and willing to trust, and most of all more expressive with his emotions, more easily being able to express his feelings to those he cared about; Allen now being one of them.

Kanda hadn't told Allen if his past selves had loved him or even if his current self did, or more like he refused to, so Allen wasn't sure on the fact. Something that sometimes plagued him, as Kanda knew exactly how important he was to the white haired boy, but for now he was content just being by the older boys side.

Allen was in front of his apartment now, having made his way up the stairs and straight to his door. He knocked and twisted the handle, finding it open, something Kanda never would've done in his past life Allen mused.

"Hello?" Allen called out, walking through the small living and kitchen area, "Kanda?"

He heard footsteps, "back here, Moyashi" A deep voice replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you? It's Allen, A-L-L-E-N!" The smaller man spelled out irritably.

A tall figure appeared out of the bedroom doorway, hands on hips, a familiar irritating smirk, one that drove Allen crazy, plastered on his beautiful face, "still look like a Moyashi to me."

The so-called 'Moyashi' rolled his eyes; stepping towards the taller man, "piss off, Bakanda."

Kanda continued smirking in that irritating way, oozing confidence and pride, "you're in my house, take your own advice."

Allen grumbled, "Not by choice, blame Lavi."

Kanda snorted, meeting Allen half way as he strode towards him, "it's your own fault damned Moyashi for listening to the fucking Usagi."

Allen flicked Kanda with his left hand; sickeningly enjoying the way the older man didn't flinch from it like he had in his first life. He supposed this might be due to the fact it was only covered in tattoos that ran up his entire arm, rather than raw red scales. He sometimes caught Kanda staring at the arm while placing a hand over his heart where his own markings had been, lost in some thought Allen couldn't decipher.

The white haired man continued past the other, striding into his bedroom and taking a seat on his bed, ignoring the other man's noise of protest. Said man quickly followed suit and perched himself on his desk chair, spinning it to face Allen.

Allen examined his partner's outfit, noticing the usual combat boots that his jeans were tucked into. The other man caught on, "what?" He snapped.

"You're really planning on wearing combat boots to a park in the middle of summer?" Allen asked hesitantly.

Kanda narrowed his eyes, "you're lucky I'm even fucking coming Moyashi."

Allen held up his hands in surrender, "I know I know."

Kanda 'hmphed' and looked away, apparently done with the conversation on his boots. When Allen didn't look away Kanda turned back and groaned, "what?!"

"Sorry," Allen said quickly, staring intently at the offending shoes, "I just can't get used to them."

Kanda looked uncomfortable, "why? They're no different from the other boots I've always worn, just more modern."

Allen laughed at the notion that Kanda was concerned with being _modern_ , "I guess you're right."

He grinned at the man now, clearly making him even more uncomfortable, "seriously, Moyashi, I am this close to decking you."

"Do it." Allen taunted, grin widening.

Kanda 'tched', looking away again, "not worth my time."

They settled into a long silence then, not uncomfortable, just silent. Allen took the opportunity to stand up and look around the room a little. Although the two had begun some sort of… relationship, Allen hadn't actually been in Kanda's room many times. They normally spent their time at Allen's or, if they ever were at Kanda's, in his living area.

The room was as sparse as Allen remembered it being back at the order, far from the extravagant room of the young Lady Yuu. While some of Allen's memories of his past lives had faded since he'd gotten them back, he still recalled random details like the colour of his exorcist uniform, or exactly how much debt he was in due to Cross, or what Kanda Yuu's room had looked like.

Allen stopped when he spotted a picture of what looked like a young Kanda and a boy Allen knew all too well. He examined the picture, taking in the face of the man he once saw fall apart in front of him. "Hey Kanda?"

"Yeah?" Came the distracted reply.

"What's Alma doing in this lifetime?"

There was a moment of silence before Allen heard Kanda sigh. There was the sound of a chair moving and springs releasing as Kanda stood up and walked towards Allen. He stopped just in front of Allen and took the picture from his hands, examining it carefully. "He lives with his adoptive family in California," he said emotionlessly still looking at the photo.

Allen didn't say anything, just simply watched the man as he looked at the photo of his previous friend and lover.

Kanda continued in the same tone as before, "last time I talked to him he was seeing some guy he met at college."

Allen hesitated, unsure of how to continue without upsetting the other man. "And… how do you feel about that?" He asked slowly, anxious about the reaction.

Kanda simply placed the photo down and leant backwards to stare Allen dead on, "he's happy, that's all that matters."

Allen blinked, "what about you? Are you happy?"

The smaller man swore he saw Kanda smile briefly, but it was gone too quickly for him to register it as anything other than a twitch of the mouth.

Kanda ignored the question and turned, walking back towards the door. Allen repeated the question before he could stop himself, "well are you?"

Kanda stopped, still facing the door way, "I'm not unhappy." He said uncomfortably, making his way out of the doorway. "Are we heading or what, Moyashi? You're the one that forced me to come to this damn circus."

Allen smiled, "coming!"

The two made their way to Kanda's Hilux and drove to Lavi's house, sparing few words on the way over other than to argue about the best way to get there in the rush hour traffic.

When they arrived Kanda honked the horn causing Allen to frown, "must you do that? I can just text Lenalee."

He clicked his tongue, "the damn Usagi doesn't deserve that courtesy."

"You're such a dick" Allen mumbled under his breath, earning a hiss in return.

A few minutes later the car doors in the back opened to allow Lenalee and Lavi to climb into the backseat. "Yo Yuu, Al!" Lavi said cheerfully, grinning from ear to ear.

Kanda growled under his breath at the use of his first name and Allen ignored him, happily replying to the orange haired boy's greeting, "hey Lavi!"

"Hey guys, thanks for picking us up." Lenalee said buckling her seat belt.

Kanda nodded, grunting in acknowledgement to which Allen rolled his eyes, "no problem, Lena."

He smiled at his best friend and she returned it brightly, "are you excited? I heard they've got fireworks that explode in the shape of flowers this year!"

"Oh!" Lavi called enthusiastically, oozing excitement, "I wanna see those red ones they had last year! You know the ones that look like fire! Man I can't believe I missed it!"

Lenalee and Allen looked at each other, sharing a moment of empathy for the child like man as Kanda pulled on to the highway. The two had gone to the fireworks display last year with Lenalee's older brother, Komui. The entire thing had been amazing and perfectly orchestrated, so when Lavi had suggested they go again with the four of them they'd agreed immediately. Kanda had been a different story, rejecting Lavi immediately when he invited him; only later agreeing after Allen had practically begged him to come. Allen wasn't sure why he so desperately wanted the man to come as well, he suspected it had something to do with wanting to see how the man reacted to something Allen had found beautiful and enchanting; curious as to if it'd have the same impact on him.

They pulled up into the parking lot of the park where the fireworks display was held every year around twenty minutes later. The place was packed, as one would expect for an annual event as big as this. They made their way through the grassy hills and star gazing groups until the found a clearing far enough away from the nearest group for Kanda to find acceptable. As Lavi lay out the rug and bounced up and down excitedly like a small child Allen gazed at Kanda.

He was scanning the surround area, watching the people as they laughed in their groups and prepared for the oncoming show. Allen sometimes caught Kanda doing this, as if he was trying to work out how other people interacted and what was normal. He wasn't sure if it was a side effect of his life times worth of memories or if he was genuinely unsure about human bonds in general. Knowing Kanda it was just as likely to be either.

Kanda turned, as if he knew Allen was watching him, and stared back at the boy. His face was blank as his eyes bore into Allen's and Allen found himself unable to turn away. Something flickered in Kanda's eyes and the man turned away sharply, returning his gaze to the rug Lavi had set up.

Allen released a breath he hadn't realised he was holding under the intense force of Kanda's gaze and followed suit.

"Oi, Usagi. You expect us all to fit on here?" The dark haired man snapped.

Lavi smiled slyly, throwing his arms out towards the retreating swordsman, "yes! It's fine we can all cuddle!" The way he spoke made Allen wonder sometimes if he _liked_ being hit by Kanda.

"Gross! Don't touch me you damn nuisance!" Surely enough Kanda smacked the lunging 'rabbit' upside the head and recoiled away from his outstretched arms.

Lenalee giggled somewhere in the background as Lavi rubbed the spot where Kanda had hit him and grumbled, "you let Al touch you."

Kanda clicked his tongue and didn't respond, instead moving to sit in the space beside Allen on the rug.

Lavi shot Allen a look that seemed to say 'see!' and snuggled in close to his girlfriend who was seated to Allen's left.

Allen leant backwards on his hands, trying not to think about the fact that Kanda was sitting close enough for their thighs to touch and that his fingers were brushing his own. Not to mention there was more enough space for Kanda to sit further away despite his earlier protest. No, Allen didn't think about any of this at all and instead focused on the waiting sky. It wasn't like physical contact was new between the two, it was anything but considering the amount of time to two of them spent tangled together _not_ talking. It was just the intimacy of moments like these, where Kanda willingly invaded Allen's space for no other reason than to just _be_ with him, stunned Allen into silence. Had Kanda always been this affectionate?

As expected, a little while later Lavi got bored of waiting and complained loudly to Lenalee that he was hungry. This continued until Kanda told him to shut up and leave then, to which him and Lenalee left to find food and bring none back for 'meany Yuu'.

When they were out of eyesight Kanda sighed, leaning back on his elbows, "finally some peace and fucking quiet."

Allen watched as Kanda ran a hand through his fringe and closed his eyes to enjoy the silence. He continued watching as he lowered himself onto his back and his breathing evened out. He watched the man still when he opened his eyes and watched Allen right back.

"Why do you always stare at me?" The dark haired man asked, stoic as ever, not giving anything away.

Allen cocked his head to the side, "can't help it."

Kanda frowned slightly, seemingly annoyed, "well don't, it's creepy."

The smaller boy shrugged, "can't make any promises."

Kanda stared at him a little longer before closing his eyes again, "whatever."

A few moments passed in silence of Kanda lying there with his eyes closed, breathing evenly, and Allen silently watching him.

"Hey Kanda?"

"Mmm?"

"You said Alma lived with his foster parents in California? Does that mean you knew him growing up again?"

"Obviously." Kanda muttered, in a tone that implied it _was so_ , "we did live in the same orphanage after all."

"I didn't know that." Allen muttered.

Kanda frowned, opening his eyes again and found himself staring at the side of Allen's turned away figure.

"I don't know anything about you." Allen continued solemnly, realising the truth in his own words as he spoke them.

Kanda mulled over the tone the younger man used before sighing again, "you're still so annoying no matter which life time."

Allen turned to glare at him, "well, it's not like you tell me anything. All I have to go on are memories of different versions of you. I think I've been pretty patient considering."

"Considering?"

"Considering I've been in love with you for almost a hundred years."

At Allen's sudden confession the older man closed his eyes again, seemingly processing the information. It wasn't as if he didn't know, Allen mused, he hadn't even bothered to hide it figuring it was as obvious as his hair was white.

Allen sighed, gathering his composure, "so you grew up in an orphanage with Alma?"

Kanda didn't respond and Allen took this as permission to continue, "when did you meet Tiedoll?"

"The old coot took me to live with him when I was eleven," Allen mused this was around the same age he met the man in their first lives, "Marie was already there and Daisya came later. One hundred years later and I still can't escape the damn bastards."

This was news to Allen, he figured that if Kanda lived with Tiedoll he must've come across Marie and Daisya, but for the three to literally be brothers in this lifetime was almost comforting to Allen.

"And then?"

"And then what?" Kanda asked dryly, "I went to school, went to college, met the damn Usagi, and moved here."

"Why did you move here?"

Kanda sighed, obviously irritated at the fact he was being forced to continue talking, but Allen hadn't been told to shut up yet so he knew he couldn't have minded too much. "I got a job out here and as annoying as he is the Usagi was here so it seemed to make sense."

"Then you met Lena and me." It wasn't a question but a statement.

"Yes, I met you."

Allen mulled over what to say next. Kanda seemed to be willing to share information on himself, and so far Allen had avoided the topic he was most curious about for fear he'd be rejected but he was starting to feel more confident.

"So you grew up in the orphanage."

"Yes."

"With Alma."

Kanda exhaled sharply in annoyance, "for fucks sake stop beating around the bush and just ask."

"Fine," Allen said more confidently, "when you were growing up with Alma did you ever… have feelings like you did before..?" He trailed off, regretting having asked immediately.

Kanda was silent for a short moment before he said seriously, "no. never."

"What?" Allen asked in surprise, "seriously?"

"Yes, of course I'm fucking sure you idiot." Kanda all but growled.

"Sorry, sorry, I just. Wow. You really, never?" Allen babbled stupidly.

"I never saw him as anything but a friend. He felt the same." Kanda said in an even voice devoid of emotion, "he wasn't the reincarnation of my lost lover or my only attachment in this life time. He was just my friend, that simple." He scratched his head sitting up, "when are these damn fireworks meant to start anyway?"

Allen found his eyes drawn to the other man again, watching the way his hair shimmered as he ran his fingers through it and felt the urge to touch it. On an impulse the smaller man reached across and ripped the hair tie from the older mans hair earning him a growl and a curse. Allen was too entranced by the way the dark hair cascaded down the Asian man's back to pay any mind to his protest and suddenly his hands were running through the length of his locks.

Kanda didn't move away but simply sat calmly, "what are you doing, Moyashi?"

"Don't know, just wanted to do it." Allen replied distractedly.

Kanda didn't reply, nor did he move as the younger man ran his fingers through his soft hair.

"Hey Kanda?"

"What this time, Baka Moyashi?" Kanda groaned, muttering "always ruining my peace" under his breath.

"I wonder why it is that we always meet again when I'm twenty, I mean, technically I was fifteen when we first met so why twenty?" Allen mused aloud, not really expecting an answer from the older man.

Kanda replied calmly, "because you were probably around twenty when I pushed _Mugen_ through your chest. We're probably just staring where we left off every time."

This made sense to Allen, "mmm, and I was twenty I think when we were separated in our other lives as well."

"What? You're not worried that's going to happen this time?" Kanda asked in spite of himself.

Allen's fingers stilled and he smiled at the other man, a sincere smile that caught him off guard, "nope."

"Why?"

"I'm not sure. I just feel like this time I won't have to say goodbye. This time I get to keep you."

Kanda turned away from the blindingly sincere smile, the emotion shining through the gesture made him uncomfortable. He didn't know how to deal with this secure and stable Moyashi; the one he supposed he knew was skittish and demented at best. The reality of their situation seemed to hit him each and every time the damn brat looked at him like that, with those trusting and sincere eyes. Those shining eyes made his chest feel painfully tight and restricted his ability to breathe properly. He hated it.

"I wouldn't be so sure."

Allen frowned, choosing to ignore the empty threat, "I wonder where Lavi and Lenalee went?"

Kanda clicked his tongue, "the Usagi probably got distracted by something dumb."

A loud boom resounded in the distance and Allen found himself blinded by a golden light in the sky.

He let out a noise of awe as the light show began and boom after boom released more bright colours into the night sky.

The two men watched the show in silence, both too entranced by the display to hold any form of communication.

It wasn't until Allen unconsciously let his hand travel to Kanda's that he woke up out of his trance. The older man had recoiled from the contact, staring at his own hand with a kind of shocked expression. Allen stared at the hand as well, embarrassed and exasperated. He saw Kanda turn away out of the corner of his eye and he knew whatever wall he'd let down earlier had come back instantly the moment he reached for his hand.

Allen whispered softly, "what do you want from me, Kanda?"

"What?" The other man asked angrily.

"I said," He repeated louder and with more venom, "What do you _want_ , Kanda?"

"What are you talking about?" Kanda snapped in reply, annoyed by the sudden emotional attack from the Moyashi.

Allen rolled his eyes, "you know exactly what I'm talking about."

He exhaled in frustration, running a hand through his hair, "I don't know, ok? I'm confused." He seemed to be struggling with something.

"About what?" Allen asked.

The older mans eyes flashed and he seemed to be restraining his emotions before he sighed and turned his head away, "nothing." He said sharply.

"No," Allen spat, "what were you going to say?"

"Nothing." Kanda repeated again more forcefully.

Heat blazed in Allen's chest as he all but yelled, "Tell me! What about you confused about?"

This seemed to do it for in the next second Kanda exploded.

"Everything! How can you just accept it so easily? All that crap from our past lives or whatever the hell they were? I don't know anything, I don't know how to act around you or what to do with myself. Is it me that wants to be with you? Or is it him, her, my past selves, whatever!" Kanda slowed down for a moment to glance at Allen, "I just don't like the idea that it's not my choice and the universe for some fucked up reason is forcing us together."

Allen stared at Kanda in shock for a moment. It was almost comical the things the other man had said. He hadn't even considered it let alone known Kanda was thinking like this. To be frank, it pissed him off so much so that he had to calm his nerves before saying, "oh my god are you fucking _kidding me_ , Bakanda?"

"What?" Kanda seemed genuinely shocked, previous disgruntlement forgotten.

"How can you _possibly_ make this into a _bad_ thing? We finally get the change to be together without _anything_ standing in our way! Not only that, we get to be with Lenalee and Lavi and Komui, not to mention your family! Can you honestly tell me that growing up with Tiedoll and Marie was a bad thing? Or that you you're not happy that Daisya is alive? Or that Alma is living and breathing and _happy?_ How the hell can any of that be bad?" Allen exploded in a rush, not regarding how any of this may affect Kanda or that Lenalee and Lavi could potentially return, "why do you always do this?"

"Do what?" Kanda asked hotly.

"Deny yourself your happiness." Allen stated, voice lowering several decibels and just sounding tired, "why do you do that?"

Kanda seemed at loss for what to say and Allen wasn't really expecting a reply so when Lavi and Lenalee returned with a bag of donuts, completely oblivious to the tense atmosphere surrounding the two, they left the question hanging and went back to watching the fireworks.

"Huh? Did we interrupt something?" Lavi asked airily, probably assuming the two had been making out or something.

"Lavi!" Lenalee hissed, clearly not as oblivious to the atmosphere as Allen had initially assumed.

He ignored them, while internally cringing, Lenalee was going to question him later on this and as much as he loved his best friend he really didn't want to try and explain the earlier fight he'd had with Kanda to her.

As far as Lenalee, and Lavi he supposed, were concerned Kanda and Allen were dating. Neither of them acted surprised by the development but that was because neither of them knew the extent of the feelings and depth behind the relationship. To say they were 'dating' was too simple, Allen wasn't even sure if they were _together_ he just knew they weren't simply _friends_. He found himself more and more worried, however, that it was only him that saw them that way. Especially after that conversation.

The remainder of the fireworks show passed in silence with Lavi occasionally exclaiming, "whoa!" or "look at the red ones, Lena!" Honestly, Allen was just glad someone was enjoying the show. Allen had found it difficult to focus on the display when all he could think about was the way Kanda's body radiated discomfort, or how he flinched every time their sides brushed. No, the fireworks show was the furthest thing from Allen's mind.

This was why when it finally ended and the group made their way back to Kanda's Hilux Allen found it hard to share Lavi's enthusiasm.

"I mean did you _see_ that one with the spinning gold stuff?" Lavi bounced excitedly, "it was all _bam_ and _pow!"_

"Yeah, yeah, really cool." Allen tried pathetically.

The red head noticed of course, "come on, Al, show a little enthusiasm."

Lenalee patted her childish boyfriend on the back, "it's late, Lavi, everyone's just a little tired."

The said man nodded, disappointment evident, "yeah, we can talk about it tomorrow."

Lenalee shot her white haired friend a look as they reached the car and made a face as if to say 'want me to sit in the front?'

Allen shook his head and attempted a smile, one he knew Lenalee would see straight through, but he couldn't find the will to care. He caught Kanda watching him as he smiled at Lenalee, making an expression similar to the disappointed one Lena was currently sporting in response to Allen's fake smile. He vaguely remembered the man watching him with the same expression in another time with another face but the memories were slipping and he couldn't recall the details nor the reason behind it.

The drive to Lavi's house was awkward at best and when the two hopped out, Lenalee leaving with a worried expression and a pointed look at Allen, it went from awkward to down right uncomfortable almost immediately.

Allen sighed and closed his eyes, missing the way Kanda's hands tightened on the steering wheel as he did so. He just wanted the entire night to be over so he could get into bed and forget about the giant foot he had in his mouth.

Why had he had to say all that? He knew it would force the stubborn man further back into his already high walls, but he seemed adamant about making his own life as miserable as possible. Why couldn't he have just been content with being allowed near the swordsman? Why did he have to push him so far? He'd said Kanda was always denying himself happiness but Allen knew he wasn't the only one.

When they reached Allen's apartment the whitette simply undid his buckle and opened the door, muttering a 'thank you' meekly before skittering as far away from the vehicle as possible.

He walked up the flight of stairs as quickly as his legs could take him, feeling the need to put as much distance between himself and Kanda possible. He knew logically the man had already left but as he fought the oncoming tears he rushed to make it home so he could wallow and release his frustration in private.

As he was rummaging through his pockets for the key to the door he was currently standing in front of he failed to notice the footsteps ascending the stairs quickly. It wasn't until he felt a strong grip on his forearm that he realised he'd been caught.

The newly found key slipped from his fingers and he found himself yanked around and face to face with a very dishevelled Kanda Yuu.

The taller man looked uneasy, eyes wide, hair mussed from constant fingers through it and frown etched onto his face. When he noticed the tears on Allen's face he grew panicked and swore, "shit!" under his breath as he struggled to compose himself.

"What are you doing here, Kanda?" Allen asked embarrassed to have been caught crying by the very person who caused him to do so.

Kanda seemed to snap out of whatever internal conflict he was having and focused on Allen's face once more, "I…"

Allen's eye twitched, irritated at the situation. All he wanted to do was go inside, get into bed and cry until he fell asleep but of course he had to be stopped by the last person he wanted to see currently.

"If you've got nothing to say then leave me alone so I can pity myself in peace." Allen snapped, too annoyed to feel embarrassed by the statement, and yanked his arm out of Kanda's tight grip.

Kanda immediately grabbed the arm again, holding Allen in place once more.

The smaller man growled, having had enough, and turned to face the older man, "seriously, Bakanda, I'm not in the mood for your shit. Come find me when you've fig-"

Allen's rant was cut short by a pair of lips colliding with his own. He found himself forced into a one sided kiss as the older man gripped his upper arm and hair, trapping him in place. Allen resisted at first but eventually gave in to the sensation, which had become all too familiar to him over the last month. As Allen found himself swept into the kiss, hands exploring the defined lines of Kanda's back and shoulders, he could almost forget the rest of the evening. That was until he tasted the salt from his own tears, which still hadn't stopped running, in his mouth.

He pulled away harshly, using enough force to push the older man off of him.

"No!" He snapped, "don't think you can just make this ok by kissing me into submission! You can't run from your feelings forever Kanda, I can't keep pretending you're as in this as I am." Allen threw as much fire from his eyes as he could, "come back when you're ready to face your feelings _and_ me."

Just as Allen began turning again he heard a frustrated growl and a strangled voice pleading, "wait."

Allen froze in place at the command and watched as the older man pulled his hands through his fringe, visibly composing himself. "I just…" He tried, "I'm just not sure what to say."

He said the last part almost questioningly, as if pleading Allen to tell him what he was supposed to say, eyes begging him to understand his intentions.

Allen took a deep breath, releasing it slowly and watching the way Kanda agonised as he did so. "Well, what do you want to say?"

Kanda grew frustrated again, "I just said I don-"

"No. I don't mean what do you think you should say to me. I _mean_ what is it you want to me to hear? Surely there's something you have to say otherwise you wouldn't be here. Just spit it out, at this point I don't even bloody care if it doesn't make sense."

Kanda frowned, considering Allen's words. Allen wasn't good at this himself, his only experience in relationships being Cross's sleazy advice about various things a ten year old should not hear and whatever knowledge he had from his past lives. All of which involved the very man he was trying to give advice to right now, the universe had a sick sense of humour.

Kanda's eyebrows knitted together in concentration as he slowly worked out the recesses of his mind. He slowly opened his mouth and said, "I wanted to know how you can be so sure you're…" he seemed to stumble over the next words, "in _love_ with me."

Allen frowned in surprise, this wasn't what he had been expecting Kanda to say at all. "You want me to tell you how I know I'm in love with you?" Allen repeated the question, just to make sure he wasn't hearing things.

"Yes!" Kanda growled in embarrassment, "I mean, you barely even know me, how do you know you're, you know?"

Allen considered the question, how _did_ he know he was in love with the other man? Was it because of his past selves, he guessed that was the conclusion Kanda had come to and suddenly Kanda's actions made sense.

"You're scared I'm not really in love with _you_ but with _them."_

The words rang true as Allen spoke them and by the way Kanda squirmed he knew he was spot on.

"You have these expectations of these _people_ that I used to be. _People_ that you used to be completely infatuated with. I know, I can _remember._ I remember exactly how you used to look at that exorcist guy when you thought he wasn't looking, with that utter adoration like he was the brightest thing in the world. And then there's that _girl_ even as a spoilt brat you knew for less than a day you threw away your life to save hers. And that man who practically spent every day since he met you until he died trying to become your family. How can I possibly even compare to any of them?" Allen opened his mouth to cut in but Kanda continued, "I'm not them. I'm just me. I'm just… _scared_ " the word seemed foreign on Kanda's lips, "that you'll forget those memories one day and wonder why on earth you ever thought you were in love with _me_."

Allen stared at Kanda in shocked silence, absorbing the worries of the man like a sponge. It was so obvious Allen wasn't sure how he'd missed it, he felt exactly the same way, he realised, it was a constant gnawing that ate away at his confidence, all of which was washed away after hearing Kanda confirm he had the same troubles. Now to convey his own feelings to the other man the way he had for him.

"Kanda," Allen started, noticing the way the other man flinched when Allen said his name, "I know you're not those other people, I don't expect you to be."

Kanda frowned, "you don't?"

Allen tried to hold it in but he couldn't, he laughed at the question.

"What?" Kanda snapped, humiliated and angered, "Why the fuck are you _laughing_ at me?"

"Sorry! Sorry!" Allen spat between laughs; he took a few moments to calm himself before continuing. "I'm sorry it just, it sounds so damn _ridiculous_ when you say it out loud!"

"I am going to fucking gut you, Moyashi, if you don't start saying things that make sense." Kanda growled out, threat lessened by the embarrassment that was clearly showing on his face. Allen supposed it was cruel of him to drag out his answer when he knew exactly how the other man felt, but whether it was some twisted form of satisfaction over having something over the other man or pay back for earlier he just couldn't help himself.

"Kanda, for the past month I've thought I was content just being by your side, more than any other version of myself ever got, so I didn't push you on this but now, well I'm going to." Allen started, not missing the way Kanda's face contorted in confusion at the statement. "I understand how you feel because I've felt the exact same way all this time. I've been terrified you were _disappointed_ with this plain boy with the funny scar. I obviously don't come close to as interesting as a cursed clown with a lethal arm, and I'm clearly not as compassionate or intelligent as he was. You say you saw the way he looked at your past self, well _I_ noticed the way _you_ looked at _him_. It wasn't just the look of someone in love, no; it was the look of someone staring at their salvation, their only hope, their _everything_. You don't realise how intimidating that is. I've been pretending I don't know whether or not you're in love with me because I didn't want to have to face the truth. You might have been in love with _him_ not me."

Kanda went to open his mouth in protest but Allen cut him off, "see? Sounds kind of ridiculous when you say it out loud like that doesn't it?"

The taller man frowned, settling back again, "so what? We're both fixated on someone who doesn't exist anymore?"

"No." Allen smiled, "well, at least I know I'm not."

Allen stepped forward, taking one of Kanda's hands in his own, watching as the man stared at the joint appendages, "Kanda." He said the name softly, "you asked me how I knew I was in love with you? Well," he lifted the hands and placed Kanda's trapped hand against his heart, "first of all, when I'm with you my heart beats so fast and loudly I can practically hear it through my bones. Second," he traced the hand towards his face along his chest, "when you touch me I feel as though my skin is burning, like you leave a trail of fire wherever you go. Thirdly," he moved the trembling hand to his cheek and let it rest there, "every time I see you, or hear you speak, or even think about you something in me wells up. It's this incredible feeling I can't even begin to explain, it's like my soul is crying out to something, like there's just this, this" he was struggling for words, " _thing_ that comes to _life_ whenever you're near me. Like everything I've done up until now is overshadowed by your mere existence. Kanda, I just, _love_ you, that's all there is to it. I just love you."

Allen looked up at Kanda for the first time since taking his hand and found him frozen in place. His face was unreadable as he appeared to be struggling with the onslaught of information thrown at him.

"Kanda?" Allen asked after a moment, snapping the other man out of his trance.

He opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again before finally muttering, "shit!" He tried again and managed, "I mean, _fuck Moyashi!_ I, _Christ!_ "

He looked at Allen with those pleading eyes before taking a deep breath and composing himself. Allen continued, knowing he had to say something, "If it's ok with you," he started in a clear voice, "I'd like to spend every day making sure you don't forget _me_." Allen made it obvious he was speaking about his current self rather than his past selves and what he meant by the statement.

Kanda took a deep breath and when he opened his eyes again they were stable, _strong_ , and determined. He reached out with his free hand and placed it over their enclosed ones, squeezing tightly, face softening at the younger man.

As Allen took in the swirling emotions in the other mans eyes he supposed it was as close to a confession of love he'd ever get from the awkward man. That was until he heard him say confidently, "I missed my chance in my previous incarnations, but this time I'm going to make sure you're never alone again. I promise, Allen."

It was almost too much for Allen as he heard the other man speak his name so he simply smiled, pulled on the hand he was holding and retrieved the previously discarded key. "Come on, let's go inside."

If Allen had been paying attention he would've seen a brilliant smile grace Kanda's lips in response to the genuine smile upon the younger mans own face.

As Allen closed the door behind Kanda he supposed he would have to come up with a good excuse for Lenalee when she inevitably questioned him about the longhaired man currently trailing behind him but for now all he wanted to do relish in the other man's company.

Lenalee would have to wait until tomorrow.

* * *

 **Thanks for reading and as I said please leave me a review if you enjoyed it or had any criticisms or what not I'm open to anything :)**

 **Once again I do not even apologise for the unashamed flush and gross lines uttered by Kanda (more like Allen this time)**

 **Look out for my next story which will most likely be a Lavilena or Nalu fic :)**

 **xx Hilary**


End file.
